TW: Abuse, domestic violence, bullying, depression, anxiety,
I could taste the blood as it dripped steadily from my nose, into my mouth onto the grey and pink tiled floors as tears slid down my face watering down the blood. My fingers twitched in front of my face, and I laid curled up on the floor unmoving. It was better if I didn’t move, he wouldn’t get angry and I could feel it building in my chest again and pressing in on my heart.
People I love hate me. I don’t know why. I must be worthless; all of them turn against me and hurt me at some point. Ripping me up as much as they can as they as they leave me behind, to let me put my heart back together. I will pick up the pieces, as I watch them pull me apart again and again. Laughing, feeling self-righteous about what they do to me so that I question if I deserve it.
The first time it happened I was seven. I can still see the door slamming so hard into the wall the dry wall shattered as the man who had read me stories and played games with me on the swing sets bellowed with spit flying from his mouth that I was too loud, I had taken too long to change from my pajamas. I had woken him up. I was a bad daughter; his grip was painful as he dragged me from my room by my arm. I had failed my father, I was a horrible daughter, I had caused him to lose his mind.
I was in sixth grade, and I had failed a math test I had tried to pass. I had tried so hard, but I couldn’t do it. I am not good at math; I had called my best friend who yelled at me for bothering her with being so stupid. That I should try and learn something for once and that if I had studied I would remember for once. I remember. I remember the words. I remember so much. My mother had than yelled at me for letting dinner burn, it wasn’t my fault I wasn’t supposed to watch it that night. I went to bed hungry that night, because I couldn’t face anyone. I couldn’t even pass a math test. I’m stupid, so stupid. So worthless….
“God she’s ugly, so fat, so stupid. Why does she wear those jeans? Doesn’t she even dress in those?” I haven’t eaten in three days, and my stomach hurts, but it feels good. Two people already told me I look good for once. Two people. Finally, a compliment. I got something It’s working. I haven’t eaten in two weeks, and people are telling me I have never looked better. I am finally getting somewhere.
“God. She’s so ugly, why doesn’t she eat something? She stinks too…” I tried. I failed. I can’t win. I can’t. I’m not good enough. I can’t do anything I’m hideous, and nothing I can do about it. My stupid teeth, my hideous face, my overly large boobs that won’t disappear, I am ugly. I will always be ugly. I will always be weird. Why do I bother trying? No one will ever love me. Too ugly, too stupid, too pointless. Why do I exist.
You’re different. You’re special. And I lapped it up like some sort of starving child. And followed him like a pauper picking up the gold coins falling out of a rich man’s pocket. I lapped all of it up, all of his insane compliments. About how crazy wonderful I am, how much I meant to him. Hook line and sinker.
The flowers where my weakness, just something silly because I was sad. Or so I thought. I will never forget red roses, I will never trust them again.
The blood trickled out of my nose, and I stayed on the ground. Knowing that if I stayed still he wouldn’t kick me to finish his anger. I could see her, my little kitten Oreo backed into a corner hissing at him but darting looks at me as I laid still. Her little eyes darting to me, looking terrified. I should help her. I can’t help her, I can’t move. He will hit me again, and I hope he won’t hit her. I didn’t mean for her to tear up his couch. I’m sorry. Please don’t hit me again.
Worthless, Unlovable, Stupid, Ugly, Weird, Gullible, Bought, Pathetic.
I just wanted to be their friend. But who would want to be friends with someone like me, when I can’t manage anything but ruining people’s lives when I just wanted to be a friend with someone.